You'll Understand When You're Older

When do we grow up?

We all have heard the notorious phrase, "you'll understand when your older." In my experience this has been generally true. I remember feeling resentful when parents thought they knew everything and even more bitter when they were right. I now appreciate listening to the wisdom and thoughts of others, especially my parents, because I realize that they were once in my place as newly married couple or as they started having kids. 

I'm married and I have my own dog and child, but I don't feel 'grown up'. There was no pivotable moment that made me feel like an adult. Even when I got married, I was new to it. When I had my baby, I didn't know what I was doing. It's the accumulation of our experiences over time that gathers the wisdom that people store up in the form of memories. 

My ah-hah moment

I had an ah-hah moment the other day, the kind that sends tingles up the arms, brings water to yours eyes, and makes it hard to see. 

It was gloriously sunny on Sunday and Monday, so I decided to take Resa outside. It was one of those fresh days with a cool breeze that said 'winter was here,' but with the hope of Spring in the form of liquid sunshine. When Resa wears shoes she just stands in one place and points at things, so I decided that her exploring would start out front barefoot on the steady flat concrete. I took a couple steps backward and watched as she looked around herself in overwhelming awe. She took a couple of steps and as a breeze came by she grinned her 6-toothy grin. I don't think she was smiling at me, not like she does when she wants something, but the genuine smile was a reaction to her experiencing that sunny moment. The smile melted promptly at the sound of a dog barking. I couldn't tell if it was fear or just a baby discovering the world, but she spent a while dazed, clearly listening intently to all the different sounds. 

That was when it hit me. As she grinned and then went on carefully exploring, I felt this overwhelming love and gratitude that I got to discover the world with my little girl. I felt vividly that God must feel the same way about us. Just as I watched Resa (with love I didn't know I could multiply), so God must be watching her and I, feeling the same (and more) love for us, enjoying being with us as we discovered the world around us. 

Heart of Gratitude

I instinctually looked up at the sun that streamed through the bare branches in our front yard. Ever since I came home from my church mission, I have had a hard time hearing God's voice as clearly as I did on my mission. But as I stood there with my goosebumps and eyes filled with water, I could hear God affirming that he was with me on my journey with my family, even in the silent moments or when I felt alone. This story ends in my frantic searching for my phone so that I could photograph the moment, capture the memory visually - and then here with my words. 

Girl in Boots

Doesn't everyone have a second home? Or somewhere they would rather be?

The cabin would be my sanctuary. 

When I say "The" cabin, I mean our family cabin that is tucked away in the Diamond mountains near Vernal, Utah. Whether hiking, playing games, or writing poetry inspired by the dusty red mountains - it's a piece of my heart. So, without further ado, here's some of my heart that came from the cabin.

08/10/18

Quakies tickle the twilight sky

and bring forth laughter of the soul

Unlike the fork in the sky

Whose branch is only fire’s tinder

08/15/18

A howl trumpets your arrival

Quiet friend, why do you hide?

Trice our canine announces your coming

But still you hide

Close the window,

Shut out the barking

For fear in the shape of nightmares

Tremble in your wake

We raise our stick

The form of courage

We challenge your silence 

And the tumult of Dreams that follow

08/19/18

Like recognizing 

the jingle of ma’s keys 

Or the laughter of their child - 

So trees of my cabin wild 

in the dusty red wind 

Create sounds unique 

                                For my heart

The first photo is the actual scene that prompted that poem. The second is of a bobcat trail - which could have been the animal from my poem/story. The third photo is the road leading away from the cabin. 

There they are! Pieces of my heart. Maybe that's why I love wearing my cowboy boots; it makes me feel like I carry the red dust from the mountains with me. 

Disneyland is also nice. So it Hawaii. All cruises are wonderfully relaxing and a way to disconnect from life (no internet on a big tin can on the ocean). The Portland Temple is also a beautiful place: inside and out. There are many ways and places you could call your sanctuary - it could even be your home. The cabin is my #1 place, what's yours?