You'll Understand When You're Older

When do we grow up?

We all have heard the notorious phrase, "you'll understand when your older." In my experience this has been generally true. I remember feeling resentful when parents thought they knew everything and even more bitter when they were right. I now appreciate listening to the wisdom and thoughts of others, especially my parents, because I realize that they were once in my place as newly married couple or as they started having kids. 

I'm married and I have my own dog and child, but I don't feel 'grown up'. There was no pivotable moment that made me feel like an adult. Even when I got married, I was new to it. When I had my baby, I didn't know what I was doing. It's the accumulation of our experiences over time that gathers the wisdom that people store up in the form of memories. 

My ah-hah moment

I had an ah-hah moment the other day, the kind that sends tingles up the arms, brings water to yours eyes, and makes it hard to see. 

It was gloriously sunny on Sunday and Monday, so I decided to take Resa outside. It was one of those fresh days with a cool breeze that said 'winter was here,' but with the hope of Spring in the form of liquid sunshine. When Resa wears shoes she just stands in one place and points at things, so I decided that her exploring would start out front barefoot on the steady flat concrete. I took a couple steps backward and watched as she looked around herself in overwhelming awe. She took a couple of steps and as a breeze came by she grinned her 6-toothy grin. I don't think she was smiling at me, not like she does when she wants something, but the genuine smile was a reaction to her experiencing that sunny moment. The smile melted promptly at the sound of a dog barking. I couldn't tell if it was fear or just a baby discovering the world, but she spent a while dazed, clearly listening intently to all the different sounds. 

That was when it hit me. As she grinned and then went on carefully exploring, I felt this overwhelming love and gratitude that I got to discover the world with my little girl. I felt vividly that God must feel the same way about us. Just as I watched Resa (with love I didn't know I could multiply), so God must be watching her and I, feeling the same (and more) love for us, enjoying being with us as we discovered the world around us. 

Heart of Gratitude

I instinctually looked up at the sun that streamed through the bare branches in our front yard. Ever since I came home from my church mission, I have had a hard time hearing God's voice as clearly as I did on my mission. But as I stood there with my goosebumps and eyes filled with water, I could hear God affirming that he was with me on my journey with my family, even in the silent moments or when I felt alone. This story ends in my frantic searching for my phone so that I could photograph the moment, capture the memory visually - and then here with my words. 

Girl in Boots

Doesn't everyone have a second home? Or somewhere they would rather be?

The cabin would be my sanctuary. 

When I say "The" cabin, I mean our family cabin that is tucked away in the Diamond mountains near Vernal, Utah. Whether hiking, playing games, or writing poetry inspired by the dusty red mountains - it's a piece of my heart. So, without further ado, here's some of my heart that came from the cabin.

08/10/18

Quakies tickle the twilight sky

and bring forth laughter of the soul

Unlike the fork in the sky

Whose branch is only fire’s tinder

08/15/18

A howl trumpets your arrival

Quiet friend, why do you hide?

Trice our canine announces your coming

But still you hide

Close the window,

Shut out the barking

For fear in the shape of nightmares

Tremble in your wake

We raise our stick

The form of courage

We challenge your silence 

And the tumult of Dreams that follow

08/19/18

Like recognizing 

the jingle of ma’s keys 

Or the laughter of their child - 

So trees of my cabin wild 

in the dusty red wind 

Create sounds unique 

                                For my heart

The first photo is the actual scene that prompted that poem. The second is of a bobcat trail - which could have been the animal from my poem/story. The third photo is the road leading away from the cabin. 

There they are! Pieces of my heart. Maybe that's why I love wearing my cowboy boots; it makes me feel like I carry the red dust from the mountains with me. 

Disneyland is also nice. So it Hawaii. All cruises are wonderfully relaxing and a way to disconnect from life (no internet on a big tin can on the ocean). The Portland Temple is also a beautiful place: inside and out. There are many ways and places you could call your sanctuary - it could even be your home. The cabin is my #1 place, what's yours?

Honor & Remember [& cutting pride]

Blog Vision Reborn

You never know what influence you’ll have on other people. Maybe I stopped writing in my blog because I didn’t like to presume I was inspiring anyone. When it comes to pride I usually ere on the ‘thou art holier than me’ side, and judging others when I am in no place to do so. In reality, I should just live in a way that makes me happy. Writing makes me happy and I want to share my thoughts… Whether they inspire, or not – in the end doesn’t really matter. (but if I’m tip toeing around what others may think of me, I’ll never act in a way that may end up inspiring someone.)

Chef Brad came to visit my family on his way to do a show in Washington. I want to thank him for inspiring me by the simple act of sharing his blog and poetry with me.

This doesn’t mean I’ll be posting regularly, but I’m definitely going to write when I feel prompted to.

The new ‘do’

If you know me or have followed my story, you’ll know I have mentioned a certain Risa Whitaker often. It is because the 18 year girl is still a light in my life, despite having only been part of mine for a few years. “I feel like I’ve known you forever,” we would tell each other in awe.

It was Risa's birthday last month: October 14. We used to have a tradition in our group of friends to go to Big Town Hero each time it was someone’s birthday. Recently it was reiterated to me the importance of finding ways to honor those we miss. My aunt told me that she still mourns her best friend that passed away; the hurt stays the same, but the sad is okay - as long as it's balanced with the happy. So, I decided that every October 14^th I would do something in honor of Risa Whitaker.

Me: Sarah, Baby Resa: Toby, Michael: Goblin King

This year I cut all my hair off! Yes, it’s now November (a tad late to be exactly on Risa's birthday), but I had to have long hair for my long waited Sarah/Labyrinth costume...since Risa was one of my friends who understood my obsession of Labyrinth (readily quoting it with me, you know, stoking the fire), I figured she’d understand that I postponed my hair event till after Halloween.

Thank you Jen for my awesome haircut!!!

I found an organization that donates wigs to kids with hair loss. Since I magically had 14+ inches to donate, I shipped it off! I don’t say this to brag, but to reiterate the way I decided to honor Risa, who passed away of cancer. She went through chemo treatments and lost all of her hair at one point.

My 14in of hair that I got to donate

Cutting off my pride

Lastly, the idea of cutting off my hair was spurred by a moment I had a month or two ago when someone complimented my long hair. The only word I can use to describe the feeling I had was… vanity. It was a surprising feeling and afterword it had me thinking about my hair and the pride I held in it. I decided that perhaps, as much as I love my long hair, it would always grow back if I cut it. So, like many things we must ‘cut’ from our lives – I decided I should cut my hair, start fresh. 

Though the screaming child in the background keeps me somewhat humble, it's the things we can control that build and change our vision on life. 

Online Member Missionaries

In an ever-changing world the work of the Lord has changed with it. Of course, the message has not changed, but the methods of delivering have become more effective. Being more effective is imperative if the prophesy that Joseph Smith received in 1833, foretelling a day when “every man shall hear the fulness of the gospel in his own tongue, and in his own language” (D&C 90:11), is to come true. The Lord has provided a way for this to happen, but as always, He uses us to implement his plan, to be missionaries and use the Internet to spread the gospel.

            I only recently realized that this is a calling to everyone. The January after I got home from my mission, the first semester back in school, I received a calling to be a “ward online missionary”. I had thought it as one of those ‘filler’ callings, the ones they give to you when they had filled up all the others. Until today, I had believed that, until I read the talk “Sharing the Gospel Using the Internet” by Elder M. Russell Ballard of the twelve apostles. It made me realize that as an awkward return missionary my first step to fulfilling this calling was to be aware and in-tune with the changes that had happened while I was on my mission.

            I remember the first time on Facebook after my mission, struggling to simply update my profile picture. After adapting to the changes I started posting pictures, posts and updates about my life, as many people do today using their words and photos to share funny moments or topics of interest. In the past the printing press was where these ideas were born and then shared, and still are. Yet Elder Ballard points out that today our modern printing press is the Internet and not as strictly controlled of who is seen and heard. As we learn what modes of sharing are around us, we have the power of being part of what is seen in the world.

            With that power there is responsibility, like all good things there is opposition. Elder Ballard says, “The Internet can be used to proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ and can just as easily be used to market the filth and sleaze of pornography.” We have the ability to create a positive vibe and defend our beliefs on social media.

            The responsibility of an online missionary is more than idly watching others and ‘liking’ religious posts. By way of an apostle we are commanded to participate in these conversations about the church. Elder Ballard uses the word “encouraged”, because he knows that in every commandment there are blessings waiting for us on the other side. There are just too many people in the world with questions for the church officials and full time missionaries to answer them all. The Lord needs us to be searching for ways to preach the gospel.

            There are many ways that we can share the gospel via Internet: Facebook, other social media, blogs, and communication applications. One of the ways I have learned to continue to share the gospel using the Internet is through Skype, Facebook, and other communication devices to continue talking to recent converts in Brazil. I believe it is true that every people will know the truth in their own tongue, but we are the keys to the lock of spreading truth. There are no ‘filler’ callings, all direct us to share the gospel and touch lives in one way or another. Each one of us have a different unique way that we can use our talents to spread the gospel, and the Internet has made it even more possible to fulfill our responsibilities as member missionaries.

What's your love language?

I think a lot of the time we think about how we show people we care. Though, often times, those people won't recognize those acts as love. Not because they don't appreciate it, but I've realized that each one of us is different in how we receive love. In my religion class we're doing this project and trying to show love the way people feel it and believe it. It's a fun test to see how you feel love, and realize that sometimes we show love in the way we want to receive it- which isn't a bad thing, but... Our goal is to make other feel appreciated in their unique way.

Go here:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

God knows our love languages. I believe He puts people in our paths to help us feel his love. He answers our prayers similarly, in a way that we hear His answer and feel His love through that answer. I'm so grateful for all the tools that God has given us today to feel his love- like prayer, the scriptures, and living prophets to help guide us in the ever changing world. It's a wonderful time to live in!

Puppy and Hubby

I have the best husband ever. He helped me in taking some photos of our new puppy Juneau! Here's the result!

Return Missionaries: What do you wish you had known?

I've been slowly working on a book for returned missionaries. Yet, I know every experience is different- so if you could help me, let me know what you wish you had known or what help you wish you had had in returning from your mission. (:

Thank you!

Returned Missionaries: What do you wish you had known when you returned from your mission?

Please click other and respond. (:

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